I feel so useless, so hopeless.
This bastard illness has got a lot to answer
for. I don’t think I can write, but I’m going to try – I’m desperate for relief.
I’ve had the coal-coloured canine on my shoulders for weeks now and it’s making
me so frustrated. I’m a prisoner in my own body.
On Friday night it was so overwhelming,
I tried to fix on something, anything that I was looking forward to. There wasn’t
anything. With every minute I am fighting the instinct to return to bed and
space out, wasting the time and muscles of my nearly-forty-two-year-old bod.
Why is this? Why me? Why can’t I just get on with things, the way that most
other people seem to manage to, huh? HUH? This morning I was physically
clinging to the mattress with fear. WHY? The other urge that plagues me
continually is the “stuffing my face” one. Eating because it may comfort me,
because it’s done that before. My appetite is bipolar – all or nothing. Even
when it’s nothing, I’ll still sometimes cram stuff in in the hope it’ll make me
feel better. It never does, and I never learn. I watch my belly rounding in the
mirror and avoid stepping on the scales so often. The recent hot weather has
had me lamenting every inch of myself. I hate me. No, I loathe me.
The last time I wrote it was of my
housing crisis, the denouement of which was that the landlady put the house on
the market and it sold. I was served notice a couple of weeks ago, which
fortunately coincided with me finding somewhere else to live. So August will be
a hive of transference: in to the new place on the 10th; out of this
lovely, wonderful home by the 15th. It will be interesting to see
how that affects this year’s birthday, two days later.
I knew I wouldn’t have been homeless,
and I count that as a blessing. I had been looking at places to rent online
since January. I knew that I would be able to find somewhere, even if it was a Bradley Stoke shoebox. I’d also had
several offers of rooms and, right at the end of my search, two different
friends’ properties became available to rent. I knew I was going to be housed.
How lucky am I? Nevertheless, I trawled through hundreds of dwellings, shacks,
flats, bungalows, as notified by Zoopla and Rightmove. I saw so much beige
carpet and magnolia wall, I began to worry that my laptop had stopped
displaying colour. Also small kitchens, non-existent gardens, close neighbours:
nowhere grabbed me enough to take control and leave.
The ones that did catch my attention
were slightly quirkier – cottages, converted barns, that kind of thing. Number 18
arrived into my life on a Monday afternoon, while I was in the middle of
working: a Zoopla email alert onto which I clicked with the usual non-commitment.
Seconds later I was twanged out of my haze by quaint red brick
semi-detachedness. Hours later, I was standing in it, and again even later with
my best friends. We all agreed it was a good match. Luckily, its owner thought
the same of me and the deal was done, not forty-eight hours after first
learning of its existence.
It is definitely cottagey, and much less
ideal for me than here (at £45 pcm more too, though that was inevitable.) It’s
smaller, without garage or boarded loft. No gas cooker, no large kitchen
workspace, no upstairs toilet. And, to begin with, no allocated parking. The
natural light coming in from the free side will be obscured by the house
currently being built on what used to be its garden – 18A. Yet there was
something about it. I knew as soon as I saw it that I was going to be living
there, just like I had known when I saw the kitchen I am sitting in now. Funny.
I will make it work.
I am proud of my behaviour throughout
this awkward situation that I’m sure many others must face every day. I have
been co-operative to idiot levels. Every time there was a viewing, I cleaned
up. I de-cluttered and did as much as I could do make the house saleable. I did
my best to put viewers at ease and not cower in a corner blubbing. Though I
didn’t always achieve the latter, I did it so discreetly that I don’t think I
ruined anything for the estate agents. Even now I continue to answer the phone
when they call, cheerfully making time for visits from the outgoing landlady,
surveyors, builders etc. And the new buyers – that was a tricky one. Having all
these strangers stomping through my home over the last four months has been pretty
nasty, but the lucky sods who managed to succeed where I failed – to get a mortgage
and be able to own this house??? No offence to them, they seemed ever so nice,
and I know they will love here as much as I have done. I tried to stay calm,
but I was working myself into such a snotty mess, I thought I’d better clear
off until they’d left. Never let them see you cry. Happily, the young chap from
the agency who accompanied them had accompanied them, and he chatted to me gently
to take my mind off my misery long enough to offer them the cakes I’d made
especially for the occasion. Idiot, see?
This unsettled sensation has been with
me from the very moment the For Sale sign appeared in the front garden, and now
I know that there is an end to my tenancy, it’s got much worse. The enforced
thinning out of possessions and subsequent move has triggered this paralysis. To
explain it to someone who has never gone through this – it’s as if some
invisible entity is sitting on my shoulders, pushing them down. My freakishly
long monkey arms are pinned to my sides; my hands curled into fists. I press my
chest in the centre to relieve the ache and to feel comforted. I’ve even taken
to – oh this is so tragic – taken to hugging myself and stroking my neck, to
relieve the agitation. You know like your annoying brother used to do, to make
it look as if he’s having a snog, then he’d turn around and reveal it was just
him? No? Only me then. That might explain a lot.
The conflict too is tremendous. I am
teeming with loneliness, going through whole days without human contact. Yet it’s
too much to pop next door to the neighbour (also lonely), or visit friends. I’ve
even found it hard to continue with the volunteering that was so therapeutic to
me. Hopefully I’ll be back to that after M-Day. When I am out, the pull of my
home, and thus safety, is so strong. Rather than be out and in company, I want
to stay hidden. Preferably in my bed, with Star Trek TNG on Netflix, a bowl of assorted
chocolates and a computer strategy game on my laptop, the mindless playing of
which is wrecking my thumbs. My dislike of myself is that gargantuan, I don’t
care to inflict me on any other living soul. Don’t get me started on boyfriend
stuff either. How can I expect someone to love me when I don’t even like me? Who am I going to meet
if I never go out?
This time last year, the local boot
fairs were gems in the turd of my life; this year I struggle to derive the same
pleasure from them. Knowing that I’m supposed to be downsizing takes all the
fun out of spending money I don’t have on things I don’t need. I went today,
but passed most of the time worrying that I need others to be going through my crap and offering me 50p for it, not
vice versa.
Why do I keep going? What is the point
of me? I ask that over and over in conversations with my various stuffed toys
(Bernard the Bunny downstairs, Abbraccio the overworked Bear on my duvet.) The
truth is, I don’t know. I have some very dear friends, and I like being around
them. They in turn do a sterling job of keeping me afloat. There’s not much in
our relationship for them, yet they still answer my calls. That piece of craziness
maintains my sanity. My heart bursts with love. Another thing that has pervaded
my life is this mystery hobby that I have banged on about in the last couple of
entries. I’ve been doing it since February 2016 and it’s having an interesting
effect. As-yet-unrevealed is about to be revealed, but first you have to guess….
That’s what I said to my family before my
mother’s visit last June, where she found out what I’d been up to when I took
her directly to watch it. Some of their guesses were, quite frankly,
unflattering. Pigeon fancier? Nope. Pole dancer? Maybe next year. Mamma
actually hit the nail squarely on the bonce with one of her last guesses,
though I played the game all the way until I took her to the church one Tuesday
evening… and around the side, and up the tower to watch me ring the bells.
Yes, I’m a campanologist. An atheist
campanologist at that, something which I am having no difficulty maintaining,
especially as my respect in the beliefs of others seems to be reciprocated. At
least, if anyone really minds, no-one has said. Everyone has kindly refrained
from telling me I’m wrong, or making me stay to the services that sometimes
accompany our branch meetings. In repayment, I’ve been squirm-free throughout any
praying I’ve been accidentally caught in, and asked intelligent questions
rather than laughing openly into my companions’ faces when the J chap is
mentioned. To be fair, that’s rarely happened. Oh world, it’s so important that
we accept each other. What a different place it would be if we could all live
and let live! But I digress.
Who’d have thunk it, eh? Me, dangling
off sallies every weekend (which sounds like one of their naughtier hobby
suggestions, thank you family…) When I was at York doing my PGCE, (back in… oh
crikey, twenty freakin’ years ago this autumn!!! And this is supposed to making
me feel better?? Cue over-use of punctuation. Man!!!!!) Anyhow, York, PGCE,
ages ago etc, we had to give presentations on a hobby of ours. I don’t remember
what mine was about, but one of the mature students in our group – a lady
called Susan – gave hers on bell ringing. Oh, how we laughed. How we howled
with derision behind her back. She spoke so passionately about it, not just in
the presentation. It was clearly a massive part of her life. What a weirdo, we
guffawed, and bonded with our mutual dislike of her and her stupid pastime.
Well I wish I could find this lady now, because I would apologise repeatedly to
her face. Not just because the group never really gelled with her, and she must
have found that unpleasant, but also because she was right to get excited about
a hobby that makes so many small-minded idiots like I was back then react so
disapprovingly.
When I say what I do, I say it proudly.
I am proud! Look at all the places it’s taken me in sixteen months: I practice
once a week minimum, and ring Sunday mornings for services, walking to and from
the church as much as possible. I’ve rung at several weddings, despite my
cynicism for such events, and I get a small payment each time. I’ve rung at
most of the local churches; at Tewkesbury Abbey, where they have twelve bells
and six churches in Wales; I rang on Christmas Eve and Christmas morning, which
helped me feel less lonely; I rang in 2017 at St Mary’s, Thornbury – the best
start to a year ever. I’ve rung two Quarter Peals, which is forty-five minutes
non-stop, no mistakes allowed, and I want to do more. Even though I’ve been
terrified, I’ve done all this. Why? Because…
Firstly, it’s bloody difficult. Never
mind mastering the technique and the fact that you are controlling a lump of
metal that might be several times your body weight, swinging it around above
your head. Once you’ve grasped it, literally, you’re into learning “methods”.
(Like a “tune”, but not really ‘cos it’s more about sequence than music.) That’s
where you have to concentrate and remember and really control. You have to
learn a whole new jargon as well. Look to, treble’s going, she’s gone, go plain
bob doubles, bob, bob, single, this is all, rounds, stand – that’s a
conversation, that is! With it comes phrases that turn me into Finbarr
Saunders: “I couldn’t pull it off, it was too stiff.” Fnarr fnarr. “Don’t stop,
I’m not quite up yet.” Arrrrooga! “Long, slow strokes… let it go all the way
up,” etc, shameful etc. By employing a touch of self-discipline, I’m able to be
present and respectful and dignified at all times, which for me is pretty
darned amazing.
Secondly, it’s physically demanding.
This must be the first summer in years where I’ve not given two hoots about
whether or not my arms are covered when I go out, even though I’m a good stone
heavier than I’d like. All that donging behind (yip! Yip!) really makes a girl
tone up.
Thirdly, it’s mentally stimulating. All
the lovely, lovely maths and patterns, and learning. Guffaw if you will, but it’s
probably this part that keeps me coming back for more each week, and thus strengthening
my body and smoothing out my ruffled mind.
Lastly, and by no means leastly, I’ve
met a really interesting bunch of people and have a connection with many others
countrywide. As a ringer, you can go into any tower and ask to join in! I’m
already into double figures tower-wise. While the groupings might be different,
the dopamine reward for teamwork is the same. So everything about this pastime
contributes to my continued existence, maybe even making me well again.
So now you know. And you also know how
much it means to me to be accepted by these wonderful, interesting people, and
to be educated, encouraged and even commended by them too.
In terms of productivity, this evening’s
not been what it might have. In between rounds of Lines ’95 and Captain Picard,
and a bacon and mushroom sarnie with Daddies’ Sauce – something I can manage to
get on the outside of, no matter how rubbish I feel - I’ve put together the
bilge that you are now scraping from your eyeballs. I value your sacrifice,
though I cannot be held responsible for alcohol subsequently consumed. This lonely
girl, bashing away at a keyboard (while resting her head on a fed-up ted) has
been able to reach out to the world for a few hours. Thank you for that.
Will
this Boot Fair Bitch get a Boot Fair pitch? When can repeating the phrase “it’s
going to be all right” actually start to hit home? Plot a course for the next
entry at warp factor four to find out. Engage.
Lizzie, you write in such a beautiful and articulate manner, it's a pleasure to read your experiences in such a clear, concise, and intelligent way.
ReplyDeleteWhat a lovely thing to say Smithy, thank you. Kind words are grist to my mill xx
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