New Year’s Eve. Bloody
hell.
I’ve had a few passable
ones, true, but mainly they’ve been vile. Probably the worst was 2012/13 – following
over twelve months of cancer and chemo and recovery, I was aiming for an
optimistic new year. I wanted to celebrate the hell out of still being alive.
My friend had given me the perfect opportunity to do just that, by getting
married on the night and having her wedding celebration evolve into a seasonal
party. Sadly I never made it, thanks to the demise of my seven-year long
relationship, which began the day before and carried over into January. So
instead of celebrating with the bride and groom and their guests, I was in the
middle of at least a week’s worth of bawling and wondering what the hell was
going to happen to me.
Last year I dragged my
mother and brother out at 11.45pm , and we watched the fireworks on Margate
This year I thought it was
going to be different – I joined a band in June and they had already been
booked for the big night. I was to be performing as midnight struck: doing one of the things I love most in my
life. I was safe. NYE’s evil curse would not claim me this year. Wrong again.
After just one gig with the group, they decided it wasn’t the way they wanted
to go and I was asked, politely, not to return. I didn’t blame them. They were
much better as a duo anyway. (If you get the chance, go and see them –
Binomial. All electropop stuff. Brilliant.)
It has been quite a year
of rejection for me. I’ve had to move to a house on my own. I’ve failed to get
key parts that I’ve auditioned for, which stung badly. Romantically… well,
don’t get me started. I would like to focus on the positive stuff that has
occurred too, as there is an awful lot (depending on perspective), but today my
brain just isn’t letting me. Almost like I’m scared to admit that yes, things
are looking up. Curse this date for making me feel low.
What’s it all about eh? I
imagine that many other people hate this night as much as I do, and many of
them booze their way through it. The change of year forces us to evaluate
things and make promises to ourselves that we’ll break weeks later. I loathe it
for that. (I long resolved never to make any resolutions. I seem to have stuck
to that one!) This season in general highlights loneliness among other
unpleasant things. Why does it hurt so much? Everyone I speak to seems to have
something good to do tonight, or at least someone good to do something with.
Don’t get me wrong – I am thrilled for them/you. I’m particularly pleased that
my ex has plans for the evening. I want him to be happy, especially as I know
what it’s like not to be. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy, let alone
someone who continues to be one of my best friends. It doesn’t stop it dumping
a bucket of conflicting emotions on my bonce.
So what am I going
to do? I have several options:
1)
Be miserable.
2)
Be all sad about being alone and single.
3)
Cry.
4)
Get drunk on my own.
1-4 are out. I’m not
giving them headspace. In fact, the challenge will be to avoid numbers 2 and 3
at all costs. So how can I achieve that? For starters, Facebook (other than to
post a link to the words you are reading now) is STRICTLY forbidden. I could
try company:
5)
Go
out to watch the band with whom I would have been gigging. This would be displaying serious cojones on my
part. I just don’t fancy going all the way out to where the show is (and I’m
not sure that it isn’t a private/ticket only thing anyway), and to a roomful of
strangers, with no-one to talk to or dance with. Inebriety wouldn’t save me
either – I’m not much of a drinker and there would be driving home to be done.
6)
Go
out to a random pub in the nearby town. More cojones, but not a sensible choice. Probably quite dangerous
too, and staggering home afterwards, alone in the dark… no.
7)
Wait
to be invited to something.
No offers as yet have been forthcoming, not a one! But I’m fed up of looking to
other people to make me feel better. It has to come from me. I’m the only
person who can do this. But how?
8)
Throw
a party at my home. I never
had a housewarming. Probably a bit short notice now. It might have been fun and
a good distraction.
So I’ve eliminated 5-8
too, which means it will be just me. Forty next year, never been married, nor
engaged. No children. Not in a relationship. Single for the last two years and
one day. Completely alone, like most other nights, while people around me
celebrate.
9)
Sleeping
tablet, earplugs, early night.
I still haven’t ruled this out. It seems sensible –
But hang on a goddamn
cotton-pickin’ minute woman. If you always do what you’ve always done yada yada
etc. How about changing the script? Yes, I am going to be at home, alone. But
you know what? This year, that is what I CHOOSE to do.
10) Happy New Year, Lizzie-style
I happen to love my home.
It’s taken a while, but I’m very settled and I adore the house. So the location
is top notch. As for company, screw it. Tonight is for me. I shall have a date
with myself, doing stuff that I want to do. Let others stuck at dull
parties, clock-watching til midnight envy me with my freedom of choice
and the hangover I won’t have in the morning, not having to walk home or shiver
while I wait for a taxi. HA! I shall think of you as I play my guitar and sing
as loudly as I like (deaf next-door neighbour who is away anyway). I shall cook
myself a nice dinner, or get a takeaway… or not? Home-made ice cream maybe? Who
knows what I’ll feel like? I could drive to a high spot to watch lots of
midnight fireworks at once, or I could stay in. I have some great DVDs to
watch, that I have been saving for an indulgent evening, (Inception, Alan
Partridge Alpha Papa, Dogma, Downton Abbey, Outnumbered etc) and should I fall
asleep in front of them, then so be it. I might even do some writing. Or some
making. Or both - scribbling down my plans for 2015. Because after all the
cancer, break-up, numbness, rejection, changes and minimal medication, I can
see green shoots of recovery at long, long last. They’re mine. I’m growing
them, I alone can nurture them. I am going to focus on being a friend to me. This
attitude is, of course, the way to go, but putting letters on a screen is easy.
It’s the “believing in it” bit that I struggle with. I hope it will come with
time.
I might not have a soul
mate to share my life with. I might not ever find that person, or if I do, be
able to be with them. I cannot waste time waiting or being sad about it. (Let’s
face it, I’m never going to find them if all I do is whinge) I must remember
that the life I am living now is a gift. It was nearly denied me. I want to use
it to the best of my ability. I’m learning every day that happiness is a
choice. NYE is just a night, like the other 365-ish every year. Bollocks to
whatever convention it is that dictates that I should be getting out and
partying, and phthrpttt to whatever it is that makes me feel sad that I’m not.
I choose to have an evening that I shall enjoy.
So whatever you are doing
tonight: alone, or with a bunch of sloshed strangers, or with the person
you love so much you could die (you lucky git), I hope it is what you choose
for yourself, and I wish you a wonderful, positive and safe New Year’s Eve.
2015 – It’s going to be
the best year yet.
And we get hoverboards and
power laces. Alright!
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